It's been one year....
since I died inside. 1 year since the love of my life disposed of me like I was the shit on the bottom of it's shoe.
Last night I was busy and it hadn't actually crossed my mind and then someone sent me a link to a news article about CNE...and there was a photo of Peter and this story all about the rapid growth of CNE, etc and I just broke down. I can't even see a photo of anyone from there, it's too painful...and then to read about the successes and not be a part of it any longer (the sites I created are but I'm not) is just unbearable. It's like watching someone else raise my children (WB and MIP). I just cried and cried and cried. I wonder if "the woman" is celebrating today...probably. I hve never known such grief...I mean, this affects me so much that I avoid events where CNE people will be...even CNE people that I don't know but that I know of...like the regular director for MIP. What am I supposed to say "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm glad my years of hard work and launching sites are paying your rent". I ned to get over this before FetishCon because everyone will be there.
One year...and I have nothing to show for it. Look, I know I had cancer for the first 4 months of it...I know I couldn't model because of not having US ID and I also know I was illegal for 11 months...and all of these things really, really do make it very difficult to be productive but fuck...if I was still at CNE, in this last 12 months I would have trained a new Webmaster for WB and probably launched 2 new sites that would kick ass. I would feel whole.
Then I just start thinking; why am I launching a site? Why did I write a book? Why am I teaching? Why didn't I just get preganant and be a Mom...or accept the offer to law school I had...or even do what hubby suggested....which was to become a realtor? Right now, I don't know the answer.
Last night I was busy and it hadn't actually crossed my mind and then someone sent me a link to a news article about CNE...and there was a photo of Peter and this story all about the rapid growth of CNE, etc and I just broke down. I can't even see a photo of anyone from there, it's too painful...and then to read about the successes and not be a part of it any longer (the sites I created are but I'm not) is just unbearable. It's like watching someone else raise my children (WB and MIP). I just cried and cried and cried. I wonder if "the woman" is celebrating today...probably. I hve never known such grief...I mean, this affects me so much that I avoid events where CNE people will be...even CNE people that I don't know but that I know of...like the regular director for MIP. What am I supposed to say "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm glad my years of hard work and launching sites are paying your rent". I ned to get over this before FetishCon because everyone will be there.
One year...and I have nothing to show for it. Look, I know I had cancer for the first 4 months of it...I know I couldn't model because of not having US ID and I also know I was illegal for 11 months...and all of these things really, really do make it very difficult to be productive but fuck...if I was still at CNE, in this last 12 months I would have trained a new Webmaster for WB and probably launched 2 new sites that would kick ass. I would feel whole.
Then I just start thinking; why am I launching a site? Why did I write a book? Why am I teaching? Why didn't I just get preganant and be a Mom...or accept the offer to law school I had...or even do what hubby suggested....which was to become a realtor? Right now, I don't know the answer.
posted by Chanta Rose: Bondage Expert at 10:35 AM
1 Comments:
I very much trust you made the right choices. As you said earlier, some motivation for the site was that you missed dominating so much (I wonder how motherhood would have had an impact on that) and the book was simply a spectacular idea (sure, I am yet to read it, but from whatever I know of your ropework it has to be awesome, and sharing some of your knowledge on the matter is a great favour to the Bondage comunity in general and for countless milder bondage enthusiasts alike).
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