Why oh why?

Why, why, why? Why did I decide to go to FetishCon this year? On every level it seems like it was not such a good idea at all. Financially, I can think of better things to spend $1,000 on than a flight to Tampa, a hotel room and room service....$1,000, that's a shoot, that is me fucking a girl in the ass on http;//www.chantasbitches.com and I dare say I would have a lot more sun doing that than being at the Con. Emotionally...am I really ready to bump into people from CNE? Lew Reubens (who I might add is friend of mine) now runs Waterbondage....and yes, I am jealous. Matt Williams, who I miss dearly, but you just never know if he's going to be nice until you see him...I mean, I am petrified that he will laugh at me or something. This had been the worst 15 months of my life, I don't need to be laughed at by anyone for what happened at CNE. There are worse people that coule be there but I have my fingers, toes, arms, etc crossed that they are not going. Other people too, people that have profitted from my loss and I should have nothing at all against them but that doesn't mean I want to face them if that makes any sense. It's just too intense and for this I am a complete coward.

The reasons I did decide to go this year are:
a) Social. These cons were always tonnes of fun, everyone eats at the same restaurant, drinks at the same bar, etc and generally has a fantastic time.
b) Because I know I'll have to face certain people sometime and wanted to force it to happen.I figured 15 months was enough time for me to be in hiding.
c) to promote my book a littl more and teach a couple of classes.

To make matters worse the airfares SUCK. They keep changing, up and down and when they're down I keep not booking so now they're back up AND the layover on the way also SUCKS. Oh well, at least I am sharing my room with Satine and my lovely friend from the UK, the beautiful jasmine Sinclair is also attending!

Ugh...I will just try not to think of it for now.