Past Love is a Strange Thing...
One of the main reasons I am out in Australia this week is to clear out the room in my Mum's house where I have been storing my shit foor the past 14 years. This is basically sentimental things mixed in with old clothes and home appliances that I had here when i used to think I would move back. Since officially leaving Australia as my residence in early 1998 I think it is now safe to say that I do not need to keep my microwave, etc and even if I was ever going to move back it would be time to buy a new one LOL!!!
As I go through archive boxes of ornaments and photos it is almost like watching someone else's life. There are things I want to keep but they are also things I do not want to ever have in my US home. For example, my wedding album from my first marriage...back when I was a 19 year old saying yes to any guy that asked. The 4 years I spent with Garry were fine. He was a nice guy, head over heels in love with me and I was a workaholic supporting him and resenting paying for his trips around the world with me...because he could not bare for me to travel alone. I do regret losing those 4 years but at the same time he was a very nice man that genuinely wanted me to love him....I just wasn't able to, no matter how hard I tried. So, for the lack of love I showered him with gifts and overseas trips. Seeing photos from them is strange, as I feel no emotional connection whatsoever, just as I never did during our marriage, yet I will not thorw the pictures away.
Then I came across a small collection of photos and e-mails from Rory. Rory was mt boyfriend just before I moved to London...he movied to Scotland and I moved to London around the same time and we attempted to continue the courtship. My idea of that was complete loyalty and his was to cheat on me with every scottish lass he could find. As I had never been monogamous oin my life I would have normally been fine with this except that he did it behind my back....and I was in love with him. So I'm sitting here reading e-mails where his words of affection are "I really miss having sex with you"" and "When i think of you I remember a cleanly shaven nymph with the personality of 2 that would fuck me stupid like no one I have ever known" and it still affects me now. Not because I still love him but because I remember feeling like, hey, I'm in love with you...you as a person, and you are in love with my body and my sex drive....and then I would feel like an object. Objectificatoon may be a huge fetish for some, I even like inflicting that feeling on my bitches at times but to me it was very upsetting.
Sex may be the way many relationships start, and I will always agree that it is important but for some it does not turn into more. Marty and I certainly started all about sex but there is no way that because of the great sex that he would take care of me after the 2 cancer operations and through my years of (continuing) depression at what the dark glob did. Thank god I have more than just great sex (although that is awesome too).....
As I go through archive boxes of ornaments and photos it is almost like watching someone else's life. There are things I want to keep but they are also things I do not want to ever have in my US home. For example, my wedding album from my first marriage...back when I was a 19 year old saying yes to any guy that asked. The 4 years I spent with Garry were fine. He was a nice guy, head over heels in love with me and I was a workaholic supporting him and resenting paying for his trips around the world with me...because he could not bare for me to travel alone. I do regret losing those 4 years but at the same time he was a very nice man that genuinely wanted me to love him....I just wasn't able to, no matter how hard I tried. So, for the lack of love I showered him with gifts and overseas trips. Seeing photos from them is strange, as I feel no emotional connection whatsoever, just as I never did during our marriage, yet I will not thorw the pictures away.
Then I came across a small collection of photos and e-mails from Rory. Rory was mt boyfriend just before I moved to London...he movied to Scotland and I moved to London around the same time and we attempted to continue the courtship. My idea of that was complete loyalty and his was to cheat on me with every scottish lass he could find. As I had never been monogamous oin my life I would have normally been fine with this except that he did it behind my back....and I was in love with him. So I'm sitting here reading e-mails where his words of affection are "I really miss having sex with you"" and "When i think of you I remember a cleanly shaven nymph with the personality of 2 that would fuck me stupid like no one I have ever known" and it still affects me now. Not because I still love him but because I remember feeling like, hey, I'm in love with you...you as a person, and you are in love with my body and my sex drive....and then I would feel like an object. Objectificatoon may be a huge fetish for some, I even like inflicting that feeling on my bitches at times but to me it was very upsetting.
Sex may be the way many relationships start, and I will always agree that it is important but for some it does not turn into more. Marty and I certainly started all about sex but there is no way that because of the great sex that he would take care of me after the 2 cancer operations and through my years of (continuing) depression at what the dark glob did. Thank god I have more than just great sex (although that is awesome too).....
posted by Chanta Rose: Bondage Expert at 4:55 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home