Must be more careful....

I am a little bit pissed at myself right now. Anyone who knows me knows I hold myself to impossible high standards in almost all of what I do.

I just got back my Sociology Exam and I got 3 questions wrong in the multiple choice section. Still an A=93% but I am so, so pissed at myself. I was expecting 1 wrong, thus 98% as there was one question that I flat out did not know the answer but the other two were both things I knew, both things where I did not read the wording of the question properly and therefore both silly errors that I should not have made.

Yes, yes, an A is an A. Well that's one way to look at it, but at the end of semester when the totals for all of the exams are added up that 7% on this exam that I fucked up could make a difference between an A and an A-....and I don't think I would cope well with that. I signed up to do an extra assignment worth 2% extra credit to help take the edge off my fuck up and put me back in the high A range.

One thing I was happy with though was that I received a perfect score on the essay section.

I always thought I would prefer multiple choice to essay question style exams but I had the same thing happen last week in philosophy. We had a really confusingly worded essay exam with 4 arguments that needed to be analyzed...and not analyzed for their truth but for their structure (basically it's math). I was sure I had tanked it but I got a perfect score! Woohoo!

I suppose I am better at esssays than mutltiple choice. Essays make you take the time to think and collect your thoughts before putting pen to paper. Multiple choice seems to be more of "process of elimination" where one must be careful not to fall prey to trick wording.

Fingers crossed for my Nutrition results which I'll have on Monday. Have to say I am very worried about that one as I know of 2 fuckups I made...so there could be more I don't know about yet.

Upset...

I just want to cry. It's been a hard couple of days...lots of little things that now have my head feeling like it wants to explode and my heart feeling as if it is breaking. It's times like these I lose my will to live...which may sound like a strong statement but life can be so damned hard at times and while I enjoy a big challenge, small things can really hurt me.

Yesterday I was in a small car accident. I really don't know who's fault it was but I do know it will raise my insurance and I was literally 1 week away from getting the CA good driver discount (3 years on a CA DL).

Last night I had vivid dreams that I was pregnant and that my husband wanted to make me have an abortion and I wasn't sure what I wanted so I ended up leaving him and was living in a depressing bedsit in the sunset with my dog, pregnant and alone.

Multiple texts from staff and models at TF today about male sub being crap. Shoot was ended after only 1 position. Stuff like this costs the company, and therefore me directly thousands in wasted staff time, model kills fees, the loss of an update, etc.

Today I had a debate in class where one of the people I was debating (who hates immigration) played dirty against me. Normally it would not bother me but I was already rattled.

While in school, the house alarm got set off. Probably by my next door neighbor, which means a $200+ fine from the city just because she can't understand she has to hit "motion off" when the dogs are home and arming the alarm. Not a big deal except for everything else.

I'm going to cook Marty dinner now, and then cry in the bathtub for a bit, while reminding myself I have a lot to be happy for and many people do not.

It probably does not help that I have not taken my thyroid meds for almost 2 weeks.

First Round Done

The last week has included 3 mid-term exams...actually it was 3 in 5 days so i was a wee-bit (okay, a lot) stressed out!

I did not "ace" any of them. I never do. I always get 1 wrong, always, always, always...and usually it's something dumb that I realize as soon as I have turned in my exam. It kills me because I like to be perfect...but Marty keeps telling me, an A is an A...and an A=4 on the GPA which is what matters.

The hardest exam was Nutrition. Really fucking hard. Frustrating too. The teacher put a couple of questions on the exam that were supposed to be easy of things we did not cover in lecture and were not in the textbook, you know, stuff I suppose we're just "supposed to know". This really annoyed me, after the exam I asked her about one which had to do with the minimum recommendation of whole grain in the grain portion of your diet. She laughed, and said "oh, you know, the ads when you were growing up that said make half your grain whole"...I looked at her and said, no, I did not grow up in America and had never seen that slogan. Thanks for the loss of 2% on my exam score. This is the only exam where I am hoping for an A- and am really unsure of my grade, it could be less. I could list every organ, muscle type and hormone secretion in the Gastrointestinal tract and then there was only 2 questions about it on the exam...I could have cried! Oh well. Already got results for Psychology 96% and Sociology 98% though.

Okay, back to Philosophy homework....

Heart Shaped Box

Marty remembered that I had mentioned a few weeks ago that I had never received a heart shaped box of chocolates before so on V-day he got me one as well as some "orange juice" roses. They're mainly yellow with dark orange highlights. He usually gets me "sunset roses" which are more yellow and red but I just love orange lately so these are awesome. We didn't have any reomantic dinner plans so we went to target to run errands (puck up house supplies) and then ate at Sizzler!!! How funny is that on V-day! My friends thought I was joking but I actually LOVE Sizzler...mmm, malibu chicken!

I've been studying a lot this weekend as I have a psychology midterm on Tuesday (tomorrow). Fairly certain I have it all memorized and am ready to go. I also have a quiz on "semantics in rhetoric and critical thinking" so now I have to start on the reading for that. I find that for any quizzes in that class I need to do the reading 3-4 times to fully understand and remember it all. The teacher believes in recursion and expects us to do 3 readings, her quiz questions reflect that too, thankfully, so far I have always been prepared and have been doing well (touch wood).

Okay, back to the books.

Ciao.

Lazy Days

I have been really tired for the last week. I suppose it does not help that I had the flu and that San Francisco is so fucking cold right now, like bitterly, get into your bones cold. As a result I have been "binge sleeping".. getting up early on the day I have to, and any ither day, sleeping late, well past 10 or 11am.

Just finished up my philosophy homework for this week. You know, I thought I would really love my humanities classes and hate my science classes but it is exactly the opposite. There's one class inparticular that I had to fight really hard to get into and now I am in it I am not enjoying it at all. I want the credit so I won't drop it but I do wish we could move on from talking in riddles to some real argument and debate.

Lots of buzz up here the last couple of days about all the lay off's at Kink. Obviously, some of those people contacted me instantly. When my phone starts buzzing with dozens of textx I know something big has just happenend. It's a real shame how timing can determine everything. A year ago I would have been thrilled to snap up several kink employees and was feeling like I would never have any help in my company because all of the good people worked there...but I was wrong. In that time I have found several talented directors to help reduce my workload, and they don't come with the ego of a kink employee. Regardless of why Kink let so many people go, along with all other small companies, TF may have some rough times ahead. Again, with the timing. A year ago sales were on not just a steady rise but a steep one. Since then things have changed, and I could not, with clear conscience offer someone a full time position. The earth needs to be a little less shaky for all companies right now, even porn ones.

Take care,
Chanta

This Whole "Hate/Prop 8" Thing

I have been noticing more on more (on blog's, etc) that people keep saying that the result of prop 8 is because of hate. There's a lot of "Do you love or hate?" propoganda, and a lot of "I am hated" from the gay community, etc.

I just disagree. While I will acknowledge that there are those who hate gays and lesbians and chose to vote for prop 8 as a result of their hatred, I would argue that the majority did not (base their decision on hatred). Feeling that marriage should be between a man and a woman is an opinion of some people. It does not mean they are against gay and lesbian relationships, they just have a different definition of what marriage means. This could be because of the "do you want your children to learn about gay marriage in schools" advertisements or it could be for religious reasons, or maybe even because of procreation, who knows. My point is that people are entitled to their thoughts and opinions on the subject and voted based on that, not hatred. I actually know many people who voted for prop 8 that live in SF, have gay friends, etc but for whatever reasons strongly believed marriage should be between man and wife only.

The bigger question of course then is civil rights. In the deep south the majority of people once believed in the KKK but that did not mean they were right, and their beliefs were founded from hate. Their actions were a violation of civil and human rights against african americans. In this situation, no amount of public vote should determine what is law.

So, is the same thing happening here with Prop 8? No, not on the human rights level. I do not feel that gay people fear for their lives, or are denied drinking water, etc. On the civil rights level, possibly but it is difficult to take as seriously as other civil rights violations in history like certain groups not being permitted to vote, segregation, etc, and thank goodness we are now in a time where gay couples can be together, live together, etc without that act being illegal.

What's my point? That it is damaging to the credibility of the gay marriage movement for them to keep claiming that a) they are hated, and b) that when someone makes a decision regarding gay marriage, if they vote against it they are choosing hate. It just sounds too much like George Bush saying if other countries are not with us they are our enemy, etc. Life is not so black and white, and using tactics like that do nothing but enflame.

Nancy Pelosi said it best in her commercial in regards to prop 8. She said, (paraphrased) "You may believe marriage should be between a man and a woman, but this issue is not about that, it is about civil rights, and whether you should be able to tell someone what they can and cannot do". This is way to go about change. Achknowledge people's uncertainties and fears and then talk about the bigger issue of rights, which should be the same for all.

I'm just in a fucking bad mood.

I have woken up really angry today. Lots of negativity around me.

This happens sometimes when I get stressed about how much work/study, etc I have to do...and then I do what women do, I start thinking about shit things from months ago that made me angry then that I can't seem to let go of and I get really, really foul tempered.

I'm going to make a cup of tea and some oatmeal and try to improve my mood. I have a lot to do today and if I am angry all day i doubt much of it will get done.